SO excited...

I'm waiting for the man of the hour to show up and decided to do a quick blog introduction. VIDEO blog that is! How neat is that? I'm sitting here, patiently, waiting for it to finish loading onto YouTube so I can share it with you!

I suppose a quick catch-up is in order, I'm currently looking for a new doctor. Why? Because mine didn't hear anything I had to say the other day and refused to acknowledge the rapid progression I'm encountering.

How rapid is it? I forgot how to fill out a check. Laugh, you know you want to. I also have left eggs on the stove, walked away, and totally forgot I was cooking. Even when I could smell the horrific odor of burnt eggs... I still didn't realize. I didn't put two plus two together and now I have a destroyed frying pan. I also locked myself out of the car. Or so I thought... until 20 minutes after crying on the porch I walked inside and happened to find them in a drawer. Nice. I don't even remember (STILL!) taking them inside with me. Also, it's really unlike me to lock my car... so I don't know. Ahhh, the joys of every day being a humorous adventure.

Grams, I want you to know I am so proud of everything you'd done for yourself here. I love you, I miss you, and yes, I still wear those silly pads just in case... just like you did. I'm glad we had one inside giggle before you left; I wish I could see those lights. I love you.

I have one song on repeat right now that is capturing the essence of every thought that is not going through my head. I came to a very scary realization while trying to (not) sleep last night that I no longer think as I did when I was 19. No, no, no; I obviously have grown up and patterned myself after different behaviors, what I am referring to is what had been a rapid thought process. Mathematical and calculatory in nature, thousands upon thousands of words/songs/pictures/numbers in any given second.



Gone.


I have to try to think. Actually put the effort forth to "think". Obviously I would be a vegetable if one wasn't to make the inferrence that my body is going off of some automatic systems... but maybe it's like breathing. Maybe I'm just living as I breathe. In and out. And in. And out.

Is that enough? Is it truly enough?! Where did all the beautiful words, lyrics, complete compositions and logistics go? Why am I left in this shell of a person that I once was?

Ah. And the true question emerges! What happened?! Clearly the small answer is M.S. The larger answer has yet to be answered. What steps and movements were made in this game of life that I am living to get to where I am at today... and why am I living only off of emotions and very sporadic thinking? I used to have such brilliant genius ridiculous hilarious imaginative captivating beautiful thoughts. I really did. I actually recorded entire speechs and have written essays that were of no significance but for the MOMENT. What happened to all of that?

I live in this diseased mind that has become my alternate reality.

Argh! Someone SHUT UP the voices in my head!!!

It's been a week. (or a month, year, maybe 25 years, but who's counting???) I can't stop thinking. I cannot stop stressing, which is causing some wicked migraines, horribly blurry vision, and my hands feel like someone peeled the skin off of them... so what do I do? I take two excedrin pm. I think I might get tired enough to sleep well for the night. Do you think it worked????





I'll give you a minute.




Hint, I took them at 10. My posting time should read, what, 11:48?




The bad part?!?! I should have drank a glass of wine. NOW I can't have a glass of wine to relax, because I'll probably die. My luck.

Side note, I really need someone to fix my dishwasher. I can't wash dishes by hand and the glove thing isn't working like I thought it would. It's very depressing to walk into an otherwise clean kitchen and see a sink full of dishes... and not be able to do anything about it. Actually, it's worse than depressing-it's DEFEATING. Which causes me to become more stressed, depressed, and defeated... which forces me to reevaluate myself and hahaha-the cycle starts all over. Round and round we go, I WANT OFF OF this ride!!!! I hate fuse box shorts, and I hate that I'm progressing so rapidly and can't stop it.


I will have a garden in heaven. I will not have dirty dishes. And I will feel amazing, like I've actually slept... ahhh, but the best part? No more doubts. No more self-hatred. Just working, perfect hands, and a working, perfect mind that can do everything I've always wanted to do.


Hmmmm. Nothing hurts worse than the realization that you've set out to do so much in your life, but will never fully succeed, or amount to much of anything. Ouch.

feel like giving up

So the story goes: I'm clinging to the remnants of me. The sheet of fabric is torn, ragged, and very worn. My fingernails are scratching, and pulling... tearing through the threadbare fabric, just to hold on-ever aware of the very empty nothingness beneathe my feet--when it happens. The fabric tears and I'm falling. Farther, and farther still; into a deep, black, vastness of space. Empty. I know I'm screaming, but there is no sound. I look into my hand and I see the shred of the garment that was me, and weep...


MS robs you of your dignity and strength. And then someone steps up to remind you that you aren't a real woman because you can't keep up.

So I keep on falling, and fading into the blackness. Succumb to the feeling of terror that is complete solitude. I have nothing left of me to hold on to; I just exist.

I hate this disease.

I'm wallowing in the muck and the mire that is MS today. My best friend, (Grandma!) is dying. I'm crying, and miserable that she will no longer be the first person I call. She knew everything before my mother. My pregnancies. My miscarriages. My idiot husband(s!). She prayed any time I screwed up, and her prayers were so strong and firm that I believed God was listening to her. My best friend will be leaving this planet to go on to another life, and I am feeling very alone.

Because I can't stop crying, my immune system is taking a huge whallop. To make matters worse, my (awesome, non-idiot) husband brought home a coffee for me from the gas station. (No, not Starbucks, but wow so sweet.) I drank it and got food poisoning. I've been so miserable sick. Fever, puking, shaking, very bad migraine with partial blindeness (woo-hoo!), and my left arm is losing the ability to function. As is the ring and pinky fingers on my right hand... ugh. And I STILL can't stop crying. Every time I think about how she will no longer be there when I call... :( I'd call and tell her that, but she's so gone.

My husband said: "I know you already know this. But you WILL get better. It just might be a while." Yes, I hope I will get over this fast. It will be a long time of mourning, and I probably will always weep when I think about what I've lost... but I had better not suffer through this exacerbation for very long. (That's right, threatening a non-existent enemy... that is my own body, hahaha. Maybe I've lost it, too. :P)

Someone get that trucks' license plate!

I've been hiding because of how tired I am. I wasn't exhausted, and actually had been at a level of activity that was at least 80% normal.

Now I am dealing with so much stress my body feels like I've been run over, Thor's hammer landed on me during it's fall, and I've been hit with a sleep spell all at the same. Save me, please.

I can't even get my thought process to slow down enough to acknowledge how dang tired I am, and then something else or someone else makes me incredibly angry and frustrated and I fall through the floors all over again.

In the mean time, I hate fake people. I hate liars. I hate people who have no integrity. I hate that I'm so sweet and just let people get away with.... well, lets just say I hate that I keep waking up at night after a dream of screaming my head off, beating the crap out of, certain people in my life. I have words for all of you; most of which entail something like: "You are a worthless, hypocritical piece of garbage." I hope karma kicks in soon, these people all should be pumping porta-pottys. I'll be ready with my camera and the one finger wave.

And I'm not going to say I'm perfect, but I certainly have never been fake. Or a liar. Or made promises I don't keep. (over and over and over and over and over again) Or bullied anyone.

A wormy issue.

I recently checked my email to discover an email from some random MS research group detailing results of an unofficial study involving the most disgusting, nasty, horrific, raunchy, itchy, handwashing-OCD-as-a-side-effect unbelievable procedure. It was (is) literally the most repelled I have ever been, and I've seen and heard some appalling things in my young life. (That is at least 1/3 over, by the way; but another story for another day!) Be prepared for what I am about to reveal to you! Maybe locate your nearest bottle of sanitizer, a nail brush, and probably a new pair of panties. Trust me. Go now, I'll wait!



*takes a swig of her mouthwash*




What, you ask, could have caused me to dive into my bathroom to scrub under my nails like a psychiatric patient with bleeding hands? Worms. Parasitic worms. Used as a treatment of sorts for Multiple Sclerosis. I'm squirming in my seat just thinking about it! People are swallowing "harmless" pills containing the eggs of what will be a parasitic intestinal infection of worms. The worst that could happen? I don't know, repelling your partner while having sex in the middle of night comes to mind. (Take a moment, let that visual settle. A lot of jokes to be made here, inappropriate, but you have to see the WHOLE picture and THEN gag.) Let's not forget the need to constantly have your hands down the BACK of your pants, and, of course; your hand will be unshakeable as the smell is unwashable. {{Lord, thank you for the pill that kills those, by the way.}}

The idea behind this treatment is that people in 3rd world countries are consistently fighting other infections off, which depresses the signals to the immune system to attack the myelin in the brain and spine. While the idea behind the treatment is genuinely a probable solution, there has to be another, more hygenic way to approach the concept!  I offer the opinion that perhaps these people are too busy trying to survive to focus on their numb hands or temporary blindness for the day. Just a thought. I know when I was busy trying to feed my family I wasn't so focused on the fact that my left side was immobile and unusable, and I live such a blessed life that I couldn't imagine the day-by-day stress. In fact, I would be willing to hedge a bet that alot of the people with MS die very young in life due to infections that their bodies COULDN'T fight off.

I should also mention that while this "study" appeared to provide results for a length of time (fewer lesions, less exacerbations, etc.); in the end some couldn't tolerate the "side effects" of having worms. I suddenly imagine dozens of people, hugging their knees and using the carpet to scratch their tookus! (a la Dog!) You, too!? No, THANK YOU!

So, to summarize: worm eggs swallowed, grow into anal havoc inducing adult worms that supposedly distract an already wound up immune system. And we're using a third world populations' lack of medical care as appropriate basis for a hypothisis to bring on a more sophisticated, privileged group of test subjects. They had better be paid a butt load of cash as reimbursement. Yes, pun definitely intended!