Living in a nightmare!

Today I had what I thought was perhaps the best day of my adult, mommy-filled life. I thought. Then I reflected a little too much.

Here is my summed up thought: I am not ignorant, I do my freaking research before I form opinions. You should too.


-Pissed in Texas

Lifehouse - Broken

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway

left me here aloneI may have lost my way now,

haven't forgotten my way home.

Times are changin'

{ I'm making my own detergents and household cleaners. I would like to build a compost bin-using a cheap garbage can from Lowe's, a few strategically placed holes, and a flat, recycled from my husband's job site. I have also figured out how to build a garden that I don't have to bend over to tend, using the same flats. Using the same concept as the compost bin, I also now know how to build a rain barrel... and I would love to have a hen house. It would be neat to raise a pig, too. I want a house with some acreage in the mountains somewhere, a creek running in the back ground... I'd love a self-built dehydrator for meats, too. }

What is wrong with this picture? My husband thinks I am an idiot. I've stopped buying processed foods, (bye bye Hamburger Helper!) including processed sugar products. I threw away coffees, cake mixes, and a lot of canned goods. I won't buy anything that has "soy" on the label, because most soy products (EVEN organic!) are GENETICALLY MODIFIED and very bad for you; and I even threw away a few tons of flour. (wheat has been ge'ed to the point of most types going extinct or dying out!) I am turning into a granola. Probably one of the fattest ever to walk on this planet, but a granola... :) I am very proud of it, too.

When I walk into the health food store I feel like I've found "my people". I haven't felt more at home since I lived in Missoula, Montana, with the rest of the dread locked, tree hugging crowd. (No, I'm not a tree hugger.) I'll tell you what, I've lived with hippies/granolas for most of my adult life and yet, still feel like I am getting thrown under a bus by all of this information. I wish I'd have been mature enough to step back and ascertain the conditions of my food before, so that it wouldn't be such a shock to the people I love, but I can't go back and make that change. Even if I could, I don't know that I would, because there would be a solid chance that I would not be married to my husband today. (Solid as in HELL no! Are you kidding?! He thinks I'm crazy now, there is no way he would have done anything other than make fun of me!)

Changes aren't to be feared! I still eat out when he goes to eat out, I just order something "generally" okay. I still eat chocolate. (And lots of it, *grin!*) It's just fair trade/organic! I recently discovered Blue Sky sodas, and am trying to introduce them to him... and I still bake. A. Lot. Just with organic local flours, organic cane sugars, and cage free eggs from safe chickens. I have not compromised on the things I love, I just am trying to take better care of myself, my family, and the world God has placed me in. <<This particular sentence is a different topic altogether, but something we are all charged to do, and to be completely honest with you, I am sick and tired of this masculine assumption of power that has overtaken the scriptures, God's love, and the way we have conceived a woman's role to be in this world. Okay, I'll get to that later. For now, I'm going to go sip some free trade coffee with a dab of Dagoba chocolate, eat a sandwich made on my own white bread, and some grapes. It's not hard, it's just something you have to CHALLENGE yourself to do!

Party Pooper much?

As of 8:30 last night, this was me. A sad, pathetic woman (girl, still.) of 25 crawling into the back of a truck to lie down and snooze while everyone else continued laughing and eating in the restaurant. I was too tired to contemplate the implications of this momentous event, but I can now tell you just how horrifying it is for me.

When I finally roused from my slumber, I realized it was ten o'clock. TEN. I slept away the entire meal and missed out on the laughs. (and they are a fun group of people, lots of laughter to be had!) A surprising kick in the gut when I realize no one has come to check on me, either. I climbed out of the back of the truck, grabbed the keys, and made my way for the restaurant when I see they're all in the parking lot visiting and laughing. Approaching like a spurned dog reaching for scraps, I was asked repeatedly how I was feeling.

I am the youngest in that crowd, 8 years younger than my husband and at least 20 for everyone else because the women could all be my mom-yet, I am the party pooper. I slept while they had a good time. Or, rather, they had a great evening despite the ommission of my presence. Lovely. I am 25 and already washed up.

Someone grab the gun, this horse has gone lame.

*Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya...*

*...you're only a daaaaay aaaawaaaaaay!* singing with serious gusto, if you were a fly on this wall you would see children clapping, cheering, and jumping up and down, much like the directors of Spider Man the musical when their flying scenes didn't end in the near death of the lead actor. ("Finally!") Chris Tierny is perhaps one of the bravest, albeit stupidest, men alive. To return to a production that almost took your life... and put your life in the hands of the same morons that almost killed you? Death wish. Really.

Sidetracking a bit, here. The real intention of this particular blog is to detail in part why I haven't been online lately. Or actually, most at all. The culprit accused of my temporary kidnapping? A Kindle book app on my Iphone. I've read many, many books. I can't stop. Seriously, someone take this thing from my hands... I think I'm developing a tumor...

hehehe.

I have a funny story for those of you that keep up with my MS. This morning I got my husband his clothes together because he was running late, and went to the restroom. I was trying to keep a conversation going with him when I had to stop and ask him if I peed. I kid you not. I didn't remember, and I couldn't tell. He remembered, though-and quickly quipped "yup!". Okay. Fast forward to me putting my clothes on for the day and waking my kids up. Five minutes, tops. I suddenly am hit with the urge to "go". He walks in to put his boots on and stops dead in his tracks; "Are you trying to pee AGAIN?!".

Yes, I actually answered him. But then I started laughing. If anything, that woke me up for the day!


My morning so far:

Arie read me "Mat" from the Bob books line without ever being prompted. I seriously cried. (She's only seen me read it once or twice, so I was very impressed.) By the way, she's three. 3, tres, trois, three. She's a baby, still!

She then showed me that she knows how to draw hands. Amazingly, actually. I thought Jackson had done it. (He's almost 8). I bet she wished he had, because she drew these life size people with big hands on the back of the bathroom door...

Caleb put on his dad's deodorant. Hahahaha. Lifted up his arms, rolled it on, and then pulled his shirt back down. Hahahaha! I'm so impressed.

Caleb also figured out how to open doors. Crap.

My husband asked me if the maid came a day early. No.......where is this going...... wow, the house has been so clean! Well my goodness, we have different ideas of clean, that's for sure.... plus, I actually have been doing a little better energy wise. My secret? A TON of B12, as in injections plus 5-6 pills a day... and that blue juice by Naked. (Fiber + B12, plus no GMO, and vegan!)

I'm planning my trips to the Whole Food store. Woot me. Also, Target, and CVS. I figured out how to spend 32.55 and get 22 back... or spend 40.55 and get 27 back. Could probably do it the way the other ladies do and do multiple transactions to get it for half that... but hey. 1) I call that the drugstore scam and it's too fishy for me and 2) I'd feel a little like I was doing something illeagal. Soooooo, no. (Oh and 3) I never buy things I don't need because I HATE spending money when I can use it somewhere else. Like on a new book. Or gas.)

I seriously need to put some research into how much money these companies lose by doing this, or if there is something amiss in all of this free money that has become a game for so many...

Now, we are off to make a craft. Rainbow fish! Fish with stripes that are 3d! :) Caleb loves craft time, he has a box of crayons we made on Monday that he still shows to Woody like Woody hasn't seen it already! <3 my children! So very excited we get Cheyenne and Jackson early this weekend for Father's Day! Will be a very fun time! I foresee the Houston aquarium....

Ministry of a Motherhood

Alright, so time has stood still. While praying last night, I started to black out. I almost had Woody call 911 four different times, because I was sure I was in a form of anaphylactic shock. My lungs closed in on me, my throat was caving, and I wasn't getting oxygen. After about ten minutes, the terror faded and I was able to drift into sleep. But not before realizing the root cause of this physical strangulation: anger and fear.


I have been fairly angry for awhile, now. Not even just a little, I admit. I carry it around with me, like a soda bottle that's being slowly shaken by a violently stepping child, waiting to explode. At just the right moment, I snap. For just that moment, but it's just enough to cause pause and further frustration. {Let's analyze: I've been exhausted since I can remember. Sick all of the time. Tumor. Miscarriages. Pregnancies. Paralysis. Loss of balance. No strength. Not able to hold my baby for nearly 7 months, not able to brush my daughter's hair for just as long. A worsening household situation. Frustration with my husband's ex. Fighting with my husband over what I did all day nearly every day. (Before!!!) Feeling drugged and getting angry because of the exhaustion. Children that don't listen to me, don't hear me, and then don't do what is asked-but I can't do anything about it because I'm too tired to follow them around correction their every move.} Yes, I understand the anger part.


The fear is what I'm terrified to acknowledge. (No pun intended!) I suppose it's a combination of every thing I've been through, all of the frustrations and the choices I've made for my life; but I'm absolutely terrified. I do not feel peace. I do not feel hope. How do I speak it when I can't fully FEEL it? I do not know. But I do. Because, like David, I see that God is on that mountaintop-SOMEWHERE. I ache to feel Him, to be the person I am supposed to be, but it feels so far out of my reach. So I'm sitting down.


Jessica, why would you sit down if you're trying to find God? Why aren't you running for it?! Because I am not going to be Martha any longer. What's amazing to me is that this woman was friends with Jesus. Yeshua in Hebrew. This is important to note, because Martha didn't call him "Jesus", she called him "Yeshua" and most importantly----friend. Do you hear me!? This woman, this harried, busy woman, that was trying to maintain her household and be that Proverbs 31 woman was called friend by the very saviour I am so anxious to find again.


Do you know the story of Mary and Martha? Surely you know at least the initial part! Mary and Martha had Yeshua (Jesus!) over, and Martha was trying to merely be a good hostess-something that is BEAT into our heads as women these days! But what happened? She was humbled by the words of her friend, Yeshua-


"Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things:  But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her."


What comes to mind is just how misunderstood Proverbs 31 must be! Good Southern Women seem to have this "etiquette" in place for hospitality that is deemed the highest level of host in the entire United States. Completely misguided. How often people would beg my grandmothers' to sit down and enjoy a meal with the family, but they were too busy serving the needs of others! Yeshua/Jesus' comment to Martha is "SIT DOWN!" Spend some time KNOWING me and STOP serving me! I personally get so tangled up in my idea of servitude and what a great mom and wife is supposed to be according to Proverbs 31 that I completely missed this point!


I'll admit, when I first read this, I was so put back by the comment that I got defensive. "What, Jesus was condemning her for keeping His needs met?" He came to serve us. He wants to know us. He wants to call me friend, too! So, I'm sitting down.


The next part of the story is intense. Are you ready? Yeshua left. He had other people to teach, and serve, and minister to. So he left. And Mary and Martha went about their business. Until their brother died. Wow. Okay, sit back and take this story in:




Lazarus, Martha's brother has been terribly ill. She knows that her friend, Yeshua, would want to know that he was ill. Knowing he was only a little ways away, she sends word to come. (Already she's taken a step of faith, she knows he will save her brother if she asks him too! Wow, what faith!) Yeshua/Jesus bides his time for two days-because He wants God's glory to be known. After two days, He risks His life to return to Martha and see Lazarus. Such a dangerous visit as the other disciples even comment on dying with Him on this journey! Here's the part of the story that really clenches my heart;


Martha heard her friend had gotten into town, after her brother had been dead for four days... and ran to Him. Her words are what completely astound me. First she acknowledges "Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died." but it's what she says next that just drops me to my knees:  "But even now I know that whatever You ask of God, God will give You." To finish the conversation, Yeshua/Jesus tells her: Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live. And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this?” 
 She said to Him, “Yes, Lord, I believe that You are the Christ, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.”


Put it in other thoughts to grasp it a little more intimately and see just how profound it all is:


1. Where were you!? You could have stopped this from hurting me!!
2. I trust that You're strong enough to change my circumstances.
3. I confess that you truly are here to save me.






Often times, Martha gets confused as being the sister that isn't as faithful or as close to Jesus as Mary was. She's put off as the "bad sister", to be specific. Let's see how Mary responds to Jesus and reevaluate who's faith was stronger:


 Then, when Mary came where Jesus was, and saw Him, she fell down at His feet, saying to Him, “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.”
"...when Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her weeping, He groaned in the spirit and was troubled. And He said, “Where have you laid him?”


What does Mary do? She is stuck at number 1. "Where were you!? When my life got hard, where were you!? Why did you let this happen to me?!" (paraphrasing)


But see the emotions of her friend, and the man who came to save us-He was in pain for her. He hurt for her pain, when He saw her crying, HE wept.


Martha is not the "bad sister". She has a POWERFUL and MOVING faith that is absolutely astounding! She KNEW that Jesus could move mountains for her and heal her pain! Even in her devastation, she had this in the back of her mind "He can change this for me!" Wow! How hard is that!? It's easier to see Mary's side because I'm human, too, throwing my hands in the air while kicking and screaming at the God that created me, "Why!?" Humbling, too. It's powerful to then reevaulate Martha, the woman that even in her turmoil, challenged her words and her faith to be upright. God is good, even when it rains... such faith is enviable!


Later we read that despite the incredibly dangerous circumstances, Martha hosts a dinner in her home for Jesus. She lovingly serves him a meal that seems to anticipate his coming crucifixtion... because Mary then has the inspiration to bathe His feet in an expensive perfume she bought specifically for that purpose. Amazing.


I imagine, for many of us, we see aspects of both women in ourselves. Martha, too busy serving the people she loves to truly meet their needs of intimacy and respond to them in love, but full of faith and strong conviction that her friend is also her saviour. She battles with doing over loving, but finds once the relationship is being fulfilled, the serving comes naturally. Mary, the sister that is so full of awe and wants to devour The Christ's wisdom, but whose faith falters at a time she needs it most... when she is hurting. But she somehow manages to fall at the feet of Yeshua, because she knows who He Is. Mary, the sister that lovingly follows the guided hand of the Lord/i.e. "intuition", and buys a very expensive bottle of perfume to bath her Lord's feet...doing something that to everyone else, seems incredibly foolish, but still stepping out in faith and doing it. Mary, who had such limited faith until she saw Jesus/Yeshua raise her brother from the dead, incredibly humbling for her to suddenly have that awareness that she had lost faith until that moment-the humility that drew her closer to Yeshua/Jesus and pulled her to even do something so extreme as washing Jesus' feet.


Again, I say, wow. Just, wow.


Where are you in your faith? I'm probably right where Martha was when she was too busy trying to serve Jesus to build on their relationship, but I certainly relate to the faltering faith of Mary when she experienced death.






I just explained to my 6 year old daughter that winning isn't everything. Being our best is what is important. I had to use myself as an example, that I had all of these plans, hopes, and dreams for being an amazing mom-but that I'm "losing" and it makes me cry, too. I sobbed right along with her, as she recollected her losses at her races yesterday... but mine were more of an awareness. I can't be the perfect hostess/mother/wife that is the idea of the world-I can't be a warped version of the Proverbs 31 mom that is built upon the world's standards and extremely pharisee-like in nature, instead, I have to be the best mom/wife/hostess that I can be in Christ. WITH Christ.


So. I am sitting. I am sitting at His feet. And weeping, spiritually, internally, and even a little literally... because it's about time I got to know the man I know as Christ and the saviour, already: Yeshua. And I hope to hear Him call me "friend", too.

Silent screams...

Today I have wondered how my life will look in two years. Five years. Ten years. And I'm angry. I can't help but be anything but angry... the death of my desires and dreams is like the death of ME.

I"m so very angry and hateful it's unbeliveable. Yes, I understand a lifetime is short, but what a short life if I can't even live it to influence my own children? What a WASTE of a life! No energy at all, can't even spend the time to have a real influence on my kids and their personalities? I hate my body, I hate my mind, and some days I really resent the very  Lord that made me this way. Like today. Because it really feels like He's left me drowning, I know He's there, out in the universe somewhere... but I feel so empty, angry, and hurt. Abandoned to this suffocating fate.

Aaaaahg! I HATE this!!!! There are not enough words to describe just how ANGRY I am at my situation. WHY!? Why the HELL this have to happen to me?! All my childhood I dreamed of being this amazing mother, teaching, loving, and IT WAS STOLEN from me!