Set the world on fire...

If you didn't already know me...

Hi, my name is Jessica. I slur when I talk. I get off on topics that are ridiculous because I can't get my mind to work properly and calm the f down. I am concentrating so hard on every single thing I do as I'm doing it that when you walk up behind me and surprise me, I'm going to bite your stupid head off! Oh, sorry. I'm just trying not to feel the pain in my hands/ass/back/feet/head/eyes and/or plummet to an embarassing death  fall and break a leg.

I'm not doing well right now. Every day is worse. Last night I mustered enough to go out for an hour and eat, but by the time I drove home I was varying 30-70mph and swerving all over the road. I'm so tired. I hate it here. I want my mom. My grandma. Someone to live with to help me so I don't feel so useless.

Time has come. Shoes and ships and sealing wax and all of that. My mind is breaking my body, though my body wills it not to.

A Long Drive

I hate seeing all of these Homegoods commercials. Really, genuinely, hate. I see them and think: "A trip to Marshall's or TJMaxx does sound like a good idea!" And then duuuuuuuuuh moment:

I can't go to Marshall's or TJMaxx, or anywhere out of town. Why? I don't know when I'm going to be tired, I get so tired while driving, and I'd be dead on my feet the entire time I was there after driving to get there.

I just want to be normal. And I wish my mom was here, she could drive me so I didn't have to. So. Now you know why I don't go anywhere, save the grocery store. I have to save all of my energy for the grocery store. :(

Lying to Myself

I have these wonderful days when I lie to myself and pretend I'm normal. Fine, whatever makes me happy, right? Wrong. Because then I have days like today when I think, you know what-I'm not "normal". I'm not even AVERAGE.

I won't ever shake off this fatigue, this complete exhaustion that feels like I'm drowning and struggling to escape the hands of the person drowning me. I think "I would love to do that! What a great idea! Wouldn't that make whateverroominmyhouse look so nice? Wouldn't my kids love to see/use/have/do/create/playwith/sing/read/youfillintheblankhere________ that?" But no, I'm drowning. Drowning in water that isn't quite visible, and fighting against an unknown assailant. (Well, MS, but you get the picture.)


Ugh. I have SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO. WHY!?! And to the counselor that lovingly told me to start asking for help within "my church family". What church wants ME as a burden? I need help. My house needs help. My ideas need help. My kids' rooms need help. My unfinished projects started and stalled on "good days" need help. I hate this.

Dumb@$$

What I want to call people who really don't understand that I am sick. I said on Facebook yesterday that I didn't care if my house was a mess, I was just glad to be getting out of bed!!! And I am. Or was. Until I once again got beat down mentally for having a messy house. Like I'm the sole reason for someone elses' happiness! (*tsk tsk*) Look, you should be thankful this house is still standing, I'm wearing pants, and my (your) kids have been fed and loved on.

And I'm not crazy. I have MS. I forget stuff. A lot. I get confused. A lot. Don't call me a retard because I kept pushing the wrong button on the vaccum thinking it was the "on" button. (I had been using it, plugged it into a different room; and because of how frustrated I was, I PUSHED THE WRONG BUTTON; and got angrier because I couldn't believe my NEW vaccum was already broke!)

*Sighs*

Another day ends in tears, and so completely enwrapped in failures. I hate this.

Yes, I have Multiple Sclerosis! (An Introduction!)

SO excited...

I'm waiting for the man of the hour to show up and decided to do a quick blog introduction. VIDEO blog that is! How neat is that? I'm sitting here, patiently, waiting for it to finish loading onto YouTube so I can share it with you!

I suppose a quick catch-up is in order, I'm currently looking for a new doctor. Why? Because mine didn't hear anything I had to say the other day and refused to acknowledge the rapid progression I'm encountering.

How rapid is it? I forgot how to fill out a check. Laugh, you know you want to. I also have left eggs on the stove, walked away, and totally forgot I was cooking. Even when I could smell the horrific odor of burnt eggs... I still didn't realize. I didn't put two plus two together and now I have a destroyed frying pan. I also locked myself out of the car. Or so I thought... until 20 minutes after crying on the porch I walked inside and happened to find them in a drawer. Nice. I don't even remember (STILL!) taking them inside with me. Also, it's really unlike me to lock my car... so I don't know. Ahhh, the joys of every day being a humorous adventure.

Grams, I want you to know I am so proud of everything you'd done for yourself here. I love you, I miss you, and yes, I still wear those silly pads just in case... just like you did. I'm glad we had one inside giggle before you left; I wish I could see those lights. I love you.

I have one song on repeat right now that is capturing the essence of every thought that is not going through my head. I came to a very scary realization while trying to (not) sleep last night that I no longer think as I did when I was 19. No, no, no; I obviously have grown up and patterned myself after different behaviors, what I am referring to is what had been a rapid thought process. Mathematical and calculatory in nature, thousands upon thousands of words/songs/pictures/numbers in any given second.



Gone.


I have to try to think. Actually put the effort forth to "think". Obviously I would be a vegetable if one wasn't to make the inferrence that my body is going off of some automatic systems... but maybe it's like breathing. Maybe I'm just living as I breathe. In and out. And in. And out.

Is that enough? Is it truly enough?! Where did all the beautiful words, lyrics, complete compositions and logistics go? Why am I left in this shell of a person that I once was?

Ah. And the true question emerges! What happened?! Clearly the small answer is M.S. The larger answer has yet to be answered. What steps and movements were made in this game of life that I am living to get to where I am at today... and why am I living only off of emotions and very sporadic thinking? I used to have such brilliant genius ridiculous hilarious imaginative captivating beautiful thoughts. I really did. I actually recorded entire speechs and have written essays that were of no significance but for the MOMENT. What happened to all of that?

I live in this diseased mind that has become my alternate reality.