Shabby Miss Jenn

Monday, January 16, 2012

I have one song on repeat right now that is capturing the essence of every thought that is not going through my head. I came to a very scary realization while trying to (not) sleep last night that I no longer think as I did when I was 19. No, no, no; I obviously have grown up and patterned myself after different behaviors, what I am referring to is what had been a rapid thought process. Mathematical and calculatory in nature, thousands upon thousands of words/songs/pictures/numbers in any given second.


I have to try to think. Actually put the effort forth to "think". Obviously I would be a vegetable if one wasn't to make the inferrence that my body is going off of some automatic systems... but maybe it's like breathing. Maybe I'm just living as I breathe. In and out. And in. And out.

Is that enough? Is it truly enough?! Where did all the beautiful words, lyrics, complete compositions and logistics go? Why am I left in this shell of a person that I once was?

Ah. And the true question emerges! What happened?! Clearly the small answer is M.S. The larger answer has yet to be answered. What steps and movements were made in this game of life that I am living to get to where I am at today... and why am I living only off of emotions and very sporadic thinking? I used to have such brilliant genius ridiculous hilarious imaginative captivating beautiful thoughts. I really did. I actually recorded entire speechs and have written essays that were of no significance but for the MOMENT. What happened to all of that?

I live in this diseased mind that has become my alternate reality.