Shabby Miss Jenn

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Argh! Someone SHUT UP the voices in my head!!!

It's been a week. (or a month, year, maybe 25 years, but who's counting???) I can't stop thinking. I cannot stop stressing, which is causing some wicked migraines, horribly blurry vision, and my hands feel like someone peeled the skin off of them... so what do I do? I take two excedrin pm. I think I might get tired enough to sleep well for the night. Do you think it worked????

I'll give you a minute.

Hint, I took them at 10. My posting time should read, what, 11:48?

The bad part?!?! I should have drank a glass of wine. NOW I can't have a glass of wine to relax, because I'll probably die. My luck.

Side note, I really need someone to fix my dishwasher. I can't wash dishes by hand and the glove thing isn't working like I thought it would. It's very depressing to walk into an otherwise clean kitchen and see a sink full of dishes... and not be able to do anything about it. Actually, it's worse than depressing-it's DEFEATING. Which causes me to become more stressed, depressed, and defeated... which forces me to reevaluate myself and hahaha-the cycle starts all over. Round and round we go, I WANT OFF OF this ride!!!! I hate fuse box shorts, and I hate that I'm progressing so rapidly and can't stop it.

I will have a garden in heaven. I will not have dirty dishes. And I will feel amazing, like I've actually slept... ahhh, but the best part? No more doubts. No more self-hatred. Just working, perfect hands, and a working, perfect mind that can do everything I've always wanted to do.

Hmmmm. Nothing hurts worse than the realization that you've set out to do so much in your life, but will never fully succeed, or amount to much of anything. Ouch.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

feel like giving up

So the story goes: I'm clinging to the remnants of me. The sheet of fabric is torn, ragged, and very worn. My fingernails are scratching, and pulling... tearing through the threadbare fabric, just to hold on-ever aware of the very empty nothingness beneathe my feet--when it happens. The fabric tears and I'm falling. Farther, and farther still; into a deep, black, vastness of space. Empty. I know I'm screaming, but there is no sound. I look into my hand and I see the shred of the garment that was me, and weep...

MS robs you of your dignity and strength. And then someone steps up to remind you that you aren't a real woman because you can't keep up.

So I keep on falling, and fading into the blackness. Succumb to the feeling of terror that is complete solitude. I have nothing left of me to hold on to; I just exist.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I hate this disease.

I'm wallowing in the muck and the mire that is MS today. My best friend, (Grandma!) is dying. I'm crying, and miserable that she will no longer be the first person I call. She knew everything before my mother. My pregnancies. My miscarriages. My idiot husband(s!). She prayed any time I screwed up, and her prayers were so strong and firm that I believed God was listening to her. My best friend will be leaving this planet to go on to another life, and I am feeling very alone.

Because I can't stop crying, my immune system is taking a huge whallop. To make matters worse, my (awesome, non-idiot) husband brought home a coffee for me from the gas station. (No, not Starbucks, but wow so sweet.) I drank it and got food poisoning. I've been so miserable sick. Fever, puking, shaking, very bad migraine with partial blindeness (woo-hoo!), and my left arm is losing the ability to function. As is the ring and pinky fingers on my right hand... ugh. And I STILL can't stop crying. Every time I think about how she will no longer be there when I call... :( I'd call and tell her that, but she's so gone.

My husband said: "I know you already know this. But you WILL get better. It just might be a while." Yes, I hope I will get over this fast. It will be a long time of mourning, and I probably will always weep when I think about what I've lost... but I had better not suffer through this exacerbation for very long. (That's right, threatening a non-existent enemy... that is my own body, hahaha. Maybe I've lost it, too. :P)

Friday, November 11, 2011

Someone get that trucks' license plate!

I've been hiding because of how tired I am. I wasn't exhausted, and actually had been at a level of activity that was at least 80% normal.

Now I am dealing with so much stress my body feels like I've been run over, Thor's hammer landed on me during it's fall, and I've been hit with a sleep spell all at the same. Save me, please.

I can't even get my thought process to slow down enough to acknowledge how dang tired I am, and then something else or someone else makes me incredibly angry and frustrated and I fall through the floors all over again.

In the mean time, I hate fake people. I hate liars. I hate people who have no integrity. I hate that I'm so sweet and just let people get away with.... well, lets just say I hate that I keep waking up at night after a dream of screaming my head off, beating the crap out of, certain people in my life. I have words for all of you; most of which entail something like: "You are a worthless, hypocritical piece of garbage." I hope karma kicks in soon, these people all should be pumping porta-pottys. I'll be ready with my camera and the one finger wave.

And I'm not going to say I'm perfect, but I certainly have never been fake. Or a liar. Or made promises I don't keep. (over and over and over and over and over again) Or bullied anyone.