Lying to Myself

I have these wonderful days when I lie to myself and pretend I'm normal. Fine, whatever makes me happy, right? Wrong. Because then I have days like today when I think, you know what-I'm not "normal". I'm not even AVERAGE.

I won't ever shake off this fatigue, this complete exhaustion that feels like I'm drowning and struggling to escape the hands of the person drowning me. I think "I would love to do that! What a great idea! Wouldn't that make whateverroominmyhouse look so nice? Wouldn't my kids love to see/use/have/do/create/playwith/sing/read/youfillintheblankhere________ that?" But no, I'm drowning. Drowning in water that isn't quite visible, and fighting against an unknown assailant. (Well, MS, but you get the picture.)


Ugh. I have SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO. WHY!?! And to the counselor that lovingly told me to start asking for help within "my church family". What church wants ME as a burden? I need help. My house needs help. My ideas need help. My kids' rooms need help. My unfinished projects started and stalled on "good days" need help. I hate this.

Dumb@$$

What I want to call people who really don't understand that I am sick. I said on Facebook yesterday that I didn't care if my house was a mess, I was just glad to be getting out of bed!!! And I am. Or was. Until I once again got beat down mentally for having a messy house. Like I'm the sole reason for someone elses' happiness! (*tsk tsk*) Look, you should be thankful this house is still standing, I'm wearing pants, and my (your) kids have been fed and loved on.

And I'm not crazy. I have MS. I forget stuff. A lot. I get confused. A lot. Don't call me a retard because I kept pushing the wrong button on the vaccum thinking it was the "on" button. (I had been using it, plugged it into a different room; and because of how frustrated I was, I PUSHED THE WRONG BUTTON; and got angrier because I couldn't believe my NEW vaccum was already broke!)

*Sighs*

Another day ends in tears, and so completely enwrapped in failures. I hate this.