Shabby Miss Jenn

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Lying to Myself

I have these wonderful days when I lie to myself and pretend I'm normal. Fine, whatever makes me happy, right? Wrong. Because then I have days like today when I think, you know what-I'm not "normal". I'm not even AVERAGE.

I won't ever shake off this fatigue, this complete exhaustion that feels like I'm drowning and struggling to escape the hands of the person drowning me. I think "I would love to do that! What a great idea! Wouldn't that make whateverroominmyhouse look so nice? Wouldn't my kids love to see/use/have/do/create/playwith/sing/read/youfillintheblankhere________ that?" But no, I'm drowning. Drowning in water that isn't quite visible, and fighting against an unknown assailant. (Well, MS, but you get the picture.)

Ugh. I have SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO. WHY!?! And to the counselor that lovingly told me to start asking for help within "my church family". What church wants ME as a burden? I need help. My house needs help. My ideas need help. My kids' rooms need help. My unfinished projects started and stalled on "good days" need help. I hate this.


Sandy said...

:-( Am sorry you are having such a rough day. Like you, I have such a hard time thinking I could really ask for help and someone would really want to help me. I've just let things go in the house. Sometimes the dishes stack up on the weekends because I've basically slept the whole days away. But then I think, you know, at least there's no one grading me on it and the dishes will still be there later when I do get a little energy. I can't imagine having to try to keep up with kids too though. I'm sure it is soooo difficult. :-(

Jessica said...

The kids part is frustrating because I forget important things or jump at little things due to always being anxious over the nerve pain. I love my babies, I always wanted to be this fun, creative mom. It's really hard to always be letting them down. :( I wish no one was grading me! I have a husband that is human and sometimes picks fights over some mess in the house, and 4 kids that I'm constantly disappointing! I am giving myself an A, for effort, though ;) Someone's gotta! haha

Anonymous said...

I'll give you an A. I felt the sane way this last summer. Then a friend of mine said she thought I was being hard in myself. The kids had lots of fun doing in door clefts and playing with the neighbor kids. So we didn't go anywhere. They had fun. I just needed to let go that I was disapointed in myself for what I would have liked to have done with them if I had not had a relapse. Not my fault. We are doing our best.