Shabby Miss Jenn

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Death Sentence

I read something yesterday that shook me to my core. What's left of it, anyway. Essentially, a diagnosis with Multiple Sclerosis equated to a death sentence in slow motion. Think about that... a death sentence, not by lethal injection, or even by one of those old fashioned western shootings where they all circle around you and fire. A death sentence in slow motion. 
A death sentence in slow motion.

Don't ask me to recall where I read this, I of course do not remember. I do remember it was spoken (and then written) by a younger woman over her mother's lifetime with MS. So I think. And think. And think. And even when I'm trying NOT to think, busy with real life situations, it pops into my head. "A death sentence in slow motion." What's not to love, right?

Immediately I find myself walking through different responses, the first being a wallowing in self-pity. "Ah, woe is me! I will suffer more and more and my life will be a waste of time and space!" Secondly, I face denial. The kind of denial that gets a little offended. Okay, a lot offended. "How dare she equate my life with being nothing more than a slow death?! I am NOT my disease!" Then comes the realization that she is clearly hurting and my final response is this: "she doesn't understand why God would rob her of her mother throughout her childhood, why her mother would suffer." Obviously, there is some bitterness and pain in the statement of that poor young lady. 

Small factoid: we are all dying. In slow motion. Some of us move a little faster than others, but hey, you make the decisions in your life if that's how you want to go-it's a shame, but fine. But we are all dying. 

We are ALL dying.
(yes, even you.) I'm not special here, I'm just different. Plus, there is no guarantee that MS will be the cause of my certain death. We could be blown to smithereens, I could get food poisoning, I could be the victim of a robbery gone bad, wrong place/wrong time, etc. I will die, but most certainly not in slow motion! Death itself is instantaneous!
...there are days I crave normalcy
My life is lived in slow motion. I will be the first to admit that there are days I crave normalcy, health, and for this blasted headache to disappear. But, life has to be lived in slow motion or I get left behind. Lost, even. I'm not going to lie, I love being lost in the wild of this life. (please don't ever consider setting your clocks by my untimely arrival, haha!) I enjoy the slow motion! How else do you smell the roses, savor the memories, or watch your children grow up? Slow motion is anything BUT a curse! It's a blessing from God, a reminder to STOP and LOOK. I know I need that reminder, so when I slam into a wall for the fiftieth time; I laugh and say thanks.
Saw a picture today of a person with their hands up praising God in the middle of a hallway filled with doors. Praise God in the hallway until he opens a door! I'm leaving with that thought... and you know what? I have been suffered severely the past two weeks. I've downed loads of painkillers (my liver and kidneys are killing me!) and had some shots in the ER. I've used all of my ice packs, tried anxiety meds, and taken loads of Magnesium. My blinds are shut, I am a pain wimp so of course I vomit, and I gave up even trying to eat/cook. I also have new lumps in my throat, and I have choked at least a half dozen times. (a little more worrysome considering I had a tumor removed that was the size of a small grapefruit almost five years ago!)

BUT: do you know who is IN CONTROL? Not me! Not my broken body! But the Lord in heaven! Turn on some Jeremy Camp "I Still Believe" next time you have a horrible, no good day. (Kids' book. Yup.) And don't forget to dance and praise-at least mentally. Because you still HAVE ONE MORE DAY to influence the world and bring a message of HOPE and LOVE.
ONE MORE DAY to influence the world and bring a message of HOPE and LOVE.
Let me speak love over you; and over me because I truly need it right now: have peace that this body you bear will not be carried in vain. That your weakness in physical nature will bring strength in ways others could not know. That you would lean on the One that suffered, bled, and died so that you could have a NEW body, untouched by pain. That you would feel companionship when you're abandoned, hope when there is none, and love when you have none. Lastly, breathe deeply; you're still here and that alone is a gift from Him!