I'm actually going to admit to being depressed now, I've never felt like such a failure. I don't cry very often, but I'm shaken to my core and need some love right now. Real love that envelops sincere concern and empathy, all wrapped up in two warm arms.  

I just need someone that cares.

I really, really, really wish I could go back five years and demand I see a doctor. I wish I could take it all back, all of the stubborn thoughts, the convincing myself I was just "lazy" and perfectly normal. But I was determined to believe that I just had to push through, even thinking I was battling some serious oppression. I would take it all back in a heartbeat, if it meant my disease would not have gotten this bad, and I would be able to do things without planning them at the last minute because I suddenly have a burst of energy. To actually, and truly, have a chance at a normal life. To be the amazing mother I want to be.

Where do I go from here? How when I have admitted defeat and given in to every dark thought in my mind? How do I play with my kids and not break down into tears because I can't stand back up? I have no hope right now. It's all fake. Fake optimism. I'd initially felt a bit of relief, because I wasn't dying. That maybe I'd have a partner in all of this. But I'm entirely alone, and I am drowning in this overwhelming fear I won't ever get to be the person I want to be:

Normal.

 

No Rest for the Weary?

Alright. So I bought into the hype that this awesome medication would be the saviour of my days. It supposedly works in 80% of Multiple Sclerosis patients for relieving their fatigue, and it's been dubbed "legal coke". (And not Coca-Cola, either.) I shouldn't be shocked to admit that as of day five, it's done nothing for me.

I'm still so physically tired it's depressing. Overwhelming, actually, is a better word for it. Here I am surrounded by things desperately calling me to "pick me up!", and if I get up to move I start to swoon and fall. Hard. A kitchen full of pots and pans that haven't meaningfully served their purpose in life for quite awhile. And I love food, er, cooking... Children's rooms that are so far beyond messy they have been declared war zones. Laundry piled up on my chair to the ceiling, desiring folding and ironing. Okay, not the ceiling, but fairly close. So it adds to the exhaustion, because I don't do messes. At all. They instantly ruin my day/week/month/attitude...

...So what is a girl/woman to do? Seriously? And yes, I just said seriously like an annoyed teenager. Out loud. While I'm typing. And no one is in the room with me.

I'm having a continual argument with the creator of this blessed universe that goes something like this: What about MY plans? What about me being a mother? How am I going to XYZ? And most importantly: Why do I always let You down? He hasn't answered yet, or maybe I'm stuck in this muck of gloom and can't hear through the mud in my ears, but I suppose the answer is right in front of me. Or will appear, like some magician's rabbit out of a hat.

I hope and pray that it's pulled out soon, because I'm ticking off all of the reasons why I have this disease, and they aren't pretty. If I were to hazard a guess, I would say I did bring most of this upon myself. I'd take it all back, but there are blessings in this darkness, and their names are; Jackson, Cheyenne, Arianna, and Caleb.

Lesson learned: stop flying by the seat of your pants and grasping at decisions that weren't meant for good.

Clumsy Mommy...

I know it's getting time for bed, I'm starting to stumble, and the words I'm saying aren't making sense. (I said Tu Titsu, Fung Ku, and Chai Tea. And then talking about Cheyenne in Gumblastics and Gymbling, when trying to explain I couldn't find a class that starts soon for her, and Woody just stared at me like I had a hole in my head. Sigh.) I have a heavy right leg, and I'm fairly dizzy so I just try to focus on each step, but I missed one or didn't pull my leg up high enough because I face planted on the kitchen floor.

I can laugh, now, but not while I was throwing the temper tantrum that followed that fall! I'm fine, no serious bruising, just a quick fall and fit. :)

Comments...

FYI: I figured out how to enable commenting for EVERYONE, not just Google users. You can even do it anonymously if you choose. (And side note, it's really creepy that I can see what countries people are visiting this from... such as China and South Africa. Or maybe it's someone that has an I.P. address that lies......)

So, if for any reason you feel need to say something or ask a question-you may now do so. Sorry it took me so long to figure it out. :)

Take it off!!!

{I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I have lesions in my spine. MS damage to the spine is something that causes unpredictable pain, tremors, numbness, stiffness, etc. etc. It's considered fairly debilitating because generally, there's very little they can do to treat them.}

MY BRA HURTS and I can't do anything about it. I tried going for as long as possible without being "obvious" this morning, but then the Schwann's man showed up. Threw on a robe, and I'm sure I looked suspicious---the housewife with a robe on. *Cracking up just thinking about it* So, I braved the pain and put on a bra while trying very hard not to terrify my innocent children with my screaming. And wow, I'm really looking forward to the second the kid's go to bed. I'm going to be walking around topless.

So what exactly hurts? My stomach, and directly in the same spot on my back, with no wrap around. It's like someone punched through me repeatedly, and then left ice on it for waaaaaay too long. Very painful. No bruising, though, so whoever beat me up left no evidence ;) It's been hurting for a week, so why am I gritching about it after so many days? Because worse than the pain, now it itches. Underneath the pain, if that's possible. But it itches and I can't scratch. (This is worse than being in the MRI machine and having that sudden realization you REALLY need to scratch your nose, which happened to me not once but THREE times!)

Good news, though... I'm still alive, I'm still on this side of the green as they say, and I am sticking with my son's grounding. Which is 1000000% deserved and incredibly frustrating for me. They tell me "NO STRESS" but, how the heck as a mom can I avoid that?! I need yoga. Really. Someone save me from myself. I think everyone that knows me knows that I don't easily let things go, that I'm a StressedoutBasketcaseFreak. I'm not just talking about gossip or anything, that is perfectly easy to let go once you have a no-trespassing order in place. Haha. I'm talking about everything else. Kids, money, politics, worries, house, frustrations, school, job, car, kids, house....


As one friend put it: This disease is poetic for me. Because I always internalize my stress and it affects me physically. *laughs*



Off to make paper crowns with the kiddos....

The Bucket List

Well, here I am! I finally got to see my favorite group in person, and I really enjoyed singing along with every single song. I know it drove my husband nuts, but I did-I sang the whole time. Hey, I needed to stay awake!

They sang Washed in the Blood, and redid a Boston song in their set. I loved it. They seemed just as tired as I did, which made it that much more inspiring- they still got out and did it. So I didn't doze. But I laid my head on Woody's shoulder once or twice, and I sure had to hang on tightly to his hand all the way to the car! (And I did trip, alot.... but passed out as soon as we got to the hotel.)

The next day was nice, too. Well, sort of. We had to wait around for the Houston office to issue paychecks, so I tried to sleep in the car. When I woke up-we were at Bass Pro Shops in Katy. A man's playground, really... what is a slide to a 7 year old has just grown a few thousand square feet. I sat on a chair and realized I was really having a rough time, maybe it was the lack of sleep, maybe it was the headache medicine, but I couldn't think clearly. It scared me. I talked like a drunk, slurring and stumbling over my words. It was fairly embarrassing, but he was giggling the whole time. And he held my hand.

We wound up at Ann Taylor Loft Outlet, where to my surprise I find I've lost so much weight the xl doesn't fit me. And Woody bought me a beautiful cranberry dress in a size 14. (On the clearance rack, of course!) I didn't buy anything else because I was in such shock in the dressing room, looking at the bags hanging off of me.... but I was very excited to see the 14 dress fit me with room! I guess I'm on my way back down....and Woody is fine with that, so long as I still keep my tuckus. So. Tuckus, you must remain!

I loved what he said as we were leaving, me still in shock, a daze still from not thinking so clearly, and just overall-drunk. (I really felt drunk. And I haven't had anything to drink in a VERY long time!) "It must be the medicine I'm on for the headaches causing me to lose weight." and my awesome, fantastic husband says: "No, it's all you. YOU'VE changed how you are eating and living. So YOU'VE lost the weight." Yes, I guess you're right.

We stopped at his next favorite playground-the bookstore, and I sat down. He found me a Beverly Lewis book on the clearance racks, and no matter how much I think he doesn't pay attention to me, he really must pay some attention, because he knew what I would like. Something that is shocking, and incredibly sweet at the same time.

So that was my trip. Minus the sleeping all the way home, or trying, amidst the million phone calls Woody had to make. But I did get to see them. Something to cross off of my Bucket List, for sure.



Homeschooling Preschool

 
We're in a preschool rut in this house. Okay, we're not in a preschool rut, because I'm actually doing a pretty good job of finding and following a lesson plan. A fairly low key one, that isn't anywhere up to par with some of these other mothers that bring out the green eyed monster in me, but that's a whooooole other story and God has given me a beautiful, rainy day, that I'm going to enjoy. So, I'm not going to be spending one moment of it wallowing in jealousy. Nope, not one. *pulls it off her back and stomps it back in the garbage can where it belongs* 

I'm incredibly grateful, actually, that one particular mother, felt to put her preschool curriculum available on the internet.(http://www.1plus1plus1equals1.com) She has the same belief system I do, incorporates it into her teaching, and makes it all incredibly simple to teach. (Well, once I locate it all, incredibly simple.) It's been a lifesaver for me, since I had to pull her out of her preschool. Because she is just too smart to not take the time to nurture that brain.

I was very excited to print off the sight word for the first week:



because she already knew it! We've been practicing reading from this book, "Learn to Read in 10 Minutes a Day in 100 Days" and well, we haven't been exactly daily about it, but she does know her letters s/m/a/t/e already, and a lot of the words and sound combinations from there. And, we've already been doing line practicing from Hooked on Phonics, because it's a wipe-off book. So Ll, the first letter, is easy-peasy. Hopefully. If she decides not to be precocious. Which will be asking a bit much, because she is my daughter.

And well, Caleb sure loves it. He really got into singing "This Little Light of Mine" yesterday, while waving the little cardstock candle popsicle stick print off yesterday, he was dancing and laughing! We had to do it on repeat a few times. I'm going to need to make a trip to town when Woody gets paid, though, we're running low on crafting stupplies... like popsicle sticks... and I think daddy needs to make us some shelves. We don't have room for all of this stuff to be piled up on mommy's crafting desk anymore. It's driving her nuts to look at.

Side note: Spring Break is next week, and I'll have all of the kids. I need all of the ideas I can find on what to do with the kids, I'm breaking out all of my blueberries to make pancakes for freezing, can do those between sitting on the couch at least, thats an easy task, and quick food to grab, but I need projects and busy ideas for my busy kiddos!

The Lone Journey

To drive or not to drive....

I'm starting to question my abilities as a driver. I understand that at this point in my disease it's all give and take, it's taking xyz functions and eventually will give them back. Hopefully. If it's not a progressive form of Multiple Sclerosis. I'm having a very tough time cognitively, and my fatigue isn't letting up in the slightest. Because of that, I'm having a very hard time driving. Actually, I'd venture to say my driving ability is like that of a person functioning on about four alcoholic beverages. At best. Some days it's more like six.

I'm actually starting to shove my wallet aside and wonder if maybe for the time being I just don't drive after a certain point in the morning, because after about 11 am, it definitely is most noticeable. I almost called my husband from church this morning (all the way on the other side of town, a good 25 minute drive from home!) because I realized I had stopped taking notes about halfway through, something I'm quite religious about. (pun intended ;))

My symptoms just seem to be worsening, at least in the cognition/memory area of my brain. I hate stumbling around like a drunk, and slurring my speech. Funny story, I had to ask my mother in law, who is blinder than a bat, by the way, to read the back of a vitamin bottle for me, to make sure I wasn't buying the wrong thing at CVS. And I was too tired at Brookshire Brother's to take the milk I got back and get the right one, so I paid for it. (Why is it Hytop D is covered by WIC by Hytop 2% isn't the right one? I was so confused by the time I left!!!) I barely stumbled into my house and onto my couch. I'm shocked I threw the milk into the fridge before drooling into a semi-coma.

From the window, it's funny. From inside, it's not. From my husband's point of view, if I'd just stop looking crap up on the computer, I wouldn't be getting worse. Well thanks, I guess my foot wouldn't be asleep right now if it wasn't for me seeing how selenium affects people with multiple sclerosis, honey. I can't function. I can't clean, I can barely tuck my kids into bed. Actually, I can barely sit here AND breathe simultaneously.

And just to make that point, I recently had to make a drastic move. I attached a cord to the drain of my bathtub, to attach it to my toe. Why? Because I like to take baths, not showers. (Unless I'm particularly dirty.) And I've been so scarily exhausted, that I'm terrified I'm going to drown. So, with the last iota of brain matter I have left, I'm not going to drown. I'll at least wake up wet and cold. :) And with screaming, hungry, children, who probably have joined me...

Pity Pot

Tonight I am throwing myself a pity party. Today has been one of the worst health days of my life, or maybe, it just seems worse because I've been trying to keep up after four children, a husband, a mother in law, and a house. I feel like hell run over, my head is about to explode, I want to vomit, curl up in a ball and whine to my mother, rock like a baby, and throw a temper tantrum screaming (while wearing air force quality ear plugs, of course!) all in no particular order.

I never quite imagined motherhood being this difficult. I had visions of being Mrs. Beaver, makeup, clothes, breakfast on the table, kids brushing their teeth before getting ready, and out the door. Kissing a content husband on the cheek before handing him a hot lunch for the day. A clean house, or at least one that had all the deep cleaning done and only needed to be maintained throughout the day. Instead, I fight a battle of fatigue and bad cognition.

And mind over matter does not win over fatigue induced by this disease. If it did, all of the projects I've started would be done. All of the things I've wanted to accomplish would be accomplished. I'll let you in a secret: I'm a very OCD clean person. I hate messes. HATE messes. I do not like opening my fridge and seeing a spill. But I have to choose. Do I spend that precious energy doing a load of laundry/dishes/etc. or wiping out the fridge at that exact moment? Or is my son crying? Or does my daughter need a bath? Or do I really, really need to sit down?

Here's another pickle. I'm forgetting so much I feel like an 80 year old woman. Actually, most 80 year old women have it better than I do. I feel like an 80 year old that got hit on the head with a frozen salmon, and then told to stand up when she fell down, like nothing happened. I don't know what happened, why I'm here anymore, or what to do next.

And honestly, I'm just scraping by. As a mom, as a wife, as a person, and it's driving me nuts. I hate having all of these ideas on paper, in my mind, and all these projects started, but not having the energy to do them. I hate that no one understands, and tells me: "I have days like that, I have kids too."

Yes, you have kids. You don't have MS. I would desperately trade shoes with you, any day just to get things done. Please.