Shabby Miss Jenn

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Reasons why I love cheap wine.

1. Fruitier. Less wish-ing and more mmm-ing. ;)
2. Easier on my pocket book, so two bottles for the price of one.
3. Less suprises. I hate paying bookoo and finding it tastes like garbage juice.
4. Come on, cheap wine? It's the exact opposite of cheap beer. Tastes better than the pricey stuff, while cheap beer means heartburn, bleching, and a bad hangover even if you just had one...
And one more to add as of last night, making me love it even more:
5. I don't need a cork screw.

Bought a bottle of sangria (yep, premade, haha how cheap is that?) -and a cheap four dollar bottle of it, too. How cheap, exactly? It has a screw top. Which is great for me, because I have zero strenth this week. Zilch! I was mentally prepared to pop the top with a hammer over the sink, haha! It's been a rough week for me, and man did I deserve that glass. Or two. :) And hey, I screwed the top back on and still have some more for relaxation/me time, tomorrow night!

I was so excited when I took the foil off! I had been ready to put a fight up before wielding the hammer, but I couldn't even open a package of koolaid so I wasn't exactly thrilled to attempt use of the corkscrew. And I needed the anxiety release. It was a nice treat, and made my drinking it that much nicer. No struggle to further humiliate and humble me in my week that could potentially be definable as another layer of hell's punishments by Dante.

How hellish, you ask? I cried when I got called to drive shoes to Cheyenne at school because I didn't have the strenth to talk, move, or very nearly breathe. But mom comes before this damned disease, so I drank a lot of coffee and went. Or, my trip to Sam's Club. I couldn't push the cart. I couldn't even lift A BOX OF FRUIT SNACKS. I started to cry not even THREE aisles in this massive store because I was so tired and exuasted, but hey, it's a 20 minute drive that I would not be able to make in who knows how long so I had to get what I came for. So. A manager sent people left and right getting what I needed, and told me to please call in my order next time.

Wow. Never so humbled in my entire life.

I begged someone that works for my husband to send his wife's housekeeper to my house this week.  You know kids. If you don't keep up with them, you're pretty much living in filth. My house is a dumpster. Took three days to use my energy on hanging clothes for a consignment sale in town, and a little of my time helping out. But for me, energy is currency. And picture that wallet Archie always pulled out in the comics, completely empty with flies buzzing around! I broke the bank this week!

Bruises. I look like I was beat up. Repeatedly. All up my arms, down my stomach. Why? Because I'm taking too much Excedrin to handle the massive migraines I've been having. Again, why? I can't take the topomax-it turns me into a drone. Trying to find something that works as well as Excedrin without the asprin to alternate with the Excedrin. LOL in the meantime, I just hope I don't get cut or fall out of range of a hospital. (Joking, really.)

I keep forgetting my medication. As in, nearly every time I need a shot I forget. And have to take it the next night. Worse? I set alarms. And alarms for the alarms. hehehe. Okay, I know that's not good. I know I need to stay on top of it. Shhh. I'm trying to RELAX!

Mmmmm, but those glasses of wine reminded me of all the great things there are on this planet. The stamp mess in my hallway and happy faces drawn on the wall were made by beautiful, loving children, the socks all over the living room were taken off by a man that works hard to provide for me, (and brought me roses yesterday!) and there is a higher power in control of my life. Whom just happened to make His first miracle in physical form transforming water into wine, because it is good!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

"I forgot my crack refill!"

Those are the very words I uttered to my mother-in-law yesterday, while driving her to my house. I realized in a panic, that I had forgotten to stop and pick it up while I had been in town. I was starting to deaccelerate, quickly, and the crash and burn was going to hurt. I realize I sound like a druggy, and the emphasis is intended. The past month or so has been the worst as far as fatigue goes. I can not function, and there have been days when I can't talk, cry, or even laugh, because I'm about to fall like a tree. (Hello, Easter morning, thanks for kicking my arse!)

I got so tired that I actually puke because of the exhaustion. Have you ever had that happen? What a trip! That has only happened twice, though. And I promptly tucked my kids in for naps, waited until they were snoozing soundly, and took a nap so I could "refresh" some part of my mind. Even if I'll never know what a good night's sleep feels like. *Insert loud, exaggerated sigh.*

To add to this, I'll further the story of my mother in law coming to my house... she was coming because I had a lot of tagging and itemizing to do and my husband had gotten stuck at work and decided she should help me with the kids. Woo. Hoo. A) She gets tired just as easy as I do, B) She's frequently sick, and C) You suck, honey. My kids were so tough on her that I had to take her back home before 7. My kids weren't naughty, persay, but their rooms are such disaster zones that she insisted on them cleaning, and grew frustrated as they increasingly ignored her demands. Welcome back to motherhood! hahaha, she tells me "they have too many toys!" I know this. Stop buying them toys every time you go to the store!!! I haven't bought a toy since three christmases ago! (And that was only because my mothers packages were stolen off of a greyhound bus.)

They have a system. Everything has a place. So why doesn't it get returned? Why does it all get taken out? Perfect visualization of adulthood and being human, I think. {We don't want to wait until after we've neatly cleaned up whatever messes we've made before moving on to the next big thing, we have to have it all now!}

I'm selling toys, lots of them, at this consignment sale this week. Lots of clothes, of course, and some baby equipment things, but I'm selling some toys. I spent a good portion of last night cleaning and bagging some. <3 I'm excited, maybe my house (and their rooms!) will be neater. In the meantime, I've let my laundry room go. So my husband is giving me those wierd looks that say "What the heck!?" Love him, love men, and love that I don't have to explain myself, he just lets it all go because he knows I did what I wanted to, and could do for my family.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

(@*& Easter!!!

Easter Dinner in my house: Brown sugar ham, deviled eggs, creamy corn, cheesy scalloped potatoes, butter rolls, french silk pie, and cake mix cookies for the kids to frost and sprinkle. And I still haven't woken up, gah!!!! (kicking and screaming mentally)

I can't even talk I'm so freaking tired, on my second pill, (thanks for nothing, btw) and have to start cooking by 2.

I need an attitude adjustment, and to cry. But I'm too tired to cry!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to take a 45 minute nap and pray I wake up less fatigued, this is my favorite holiday and I want to spend it with my kids, not in bed or drooling on the couch!!!!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

What the H was I thinking?

Yesterday was the ultimate day of sorrows and pain for me. Basically, I blinked, I fell. It was a good day for dumping some Zatarains in the crockpot with deer sausage. No work for me, or I'd burn myself... much like I did Tuesday. Oven: 1,007 Me: 1 (I flung myself backward and luckily slid on some water/milk/juice that had just been spilt.) Go me!

So what did I do today? I tried. Hard. When I should have taken a nap. And now, I'm not sleeping... and it's almost one. I got a lot done today, at least in the mom realm. My house and chores have suffered since Tuesday, I've been so sick and tired. My Lifelines newsletter suggested I only do what is important to me, otherwise I'm wasting energy. Very true, when you're hunched over puking because the exhaustion is so difficult to manage-you're doing something wrong.

So. My kids. Teaching. My. Kids. This is so much more important to me than anything. They are my reason for being in this season of life, and they deserve every ounce of energy I have to give. I sit, generally at the dining table, while they do crafts/color/read/or play phonics games with me. One of today's projects was stamping!

We've been working on developing "centers" similar to the younger school classes, it's in the works still, but this is what we've got so far: (We also have a lot of fake grocery style food, a dress up center, and a science center... in big bags with handles in the closet right across from this!) The pillows are for lounging and reading-Caleb's favorite thing to do! We have tanagrams, lapbooks, pocketbooks, pocket games, counting bears, bells, a scale, lots of games, a ton of craft supplies, tons of books, and of course-frames to display our artwork! (Missing one frame, I believe due to Arie's temper tantrum and slamming her door....)

I bought a 12 dollar puppet to entertain them! I should post a poll, is it a seahorse or a dragon? To me, it looks like a blue dragon. However, if you push his mouth hard enough he makes bubble noises... too bad it had no tag because it was on clearance! His name? Jared. And he dances, waving his fins/wings/whatever around! What do you think?

I've actually gotten alot of my crafting projects completed, mostly because I'm sitting! I even cheated and used that hem tape to make a table cloth that I've been postponing making for over a year now... standing over my dryer to keep laundry going without exherting that walking back and forth energy! I'm getting creative, and my house is showing it! (Minus the floors that STILL haven't been mopped, haha!) And, I took some eggs I bought LAST year to do this: (Hint: upcoming holiday)

I'm slowly getting things moved around for the kids, and slowly isn't the right word. It's like when you're downloading a huge file and it seems to stay in the same place for days, but suddenly jumps up 15 %.

I walked away for two minutes today to "catch" myself, and when I came back in the living room Arie had dumped Cheerios everywhere. And pulled all the cushions off of the couches. And I cried. On the floor of that living room. Arie was so upset that I was crying... but no, she did not learn and the day progressed badly. She's stubborn. As a male mule wearing a bonnet at a pony show when someone tries to ride him. I.E.: She's worse than an unbroken bronco. Here's hoping that tomorrow is better. I'm off to get my, oh, say-six or seven-hours of sleep. And prayer time.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Anything and Everything.

My children are very smart, but if genius runs in their veins, then, so does a lack of common sense as is typical for geniuses. Or that stubborn superiority, whichever tick they all individually share that allows them to be ignorant when asked to follow typical social protocol. I.E., mommy asked you to clean up your cars about fifteen times, and instead you're playing with your legos. Or watching t.v. Or playing with Barbie dolls. And then your father comes home and because you still haven't picked up your cars, the ultimate punishment: the garbage bag! Horrors!

Sincerely, you would think they would comprehend what garbage means, correct? So why don't they pick them up? A spanking/time out/restriction doesn't aid the matter, instead, it seems to perpetuate it. Further shove them into that little turtle shell of "screw you" that they all wear. Oh, wait, that's not a genius/anti-social gene, it's just children, in general! And all of my children are completely typical. Even if they were Einstein, I'd expect them to clean their rooms. As I'm sure he did, at one point in his childhood.

I hate to watch them cry, so it's gut wrenching to see the toys taken away. It's a sad lesson to have to follow through with, and they all know that mommy really isn't going to actually throw your toys away. Daddy will. Mommy promised to take them to the pirate ship if they cleaned their rooms, all week long, every day a reminder, and still-no clean rooms. Even if I sat in the room directing them, they were never clean. So poor mommy was stuck. I wanted to go to the pirate ship. I wanted them to have fun for a few hours, it was Saturday, after all. But I very well couldn't, in good conscious, take them if it had been a "reward" for doing xy or z. So, we went to Pizza Hut and the zoo, and then the park at the zoo. I know. I'm a horrible mother.

Since Arianna is learning about "Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow" I'll use those subtitles!


This week is "No Screen" week. This means that we will not be turning on our television cable in this house, for the entire week. We will watch Veggie Tales Easter, but that is the extent of the living room TV being on, at least until Woody comes home and turns on his XBox, hahaha! Will be very interesting to see how my children learn to cope, particularly Arie. She's very television oriented as a reward, and I foresee some temper tantrums.


I am learning that my baby son is fairly artistic. In truth, he reminds me a lot of my brother, Sam. He's incredibly into his older brothers' cars, and he's loving anything musical, and today he's painting with paint dot pens. And he's an angry artist, so it's hilarious to watch him paint. Slamming the pen around, beating the paper up just to do so, and then returning the pen to the paper... as though, the paper is finally in the shape he wants it. Oh wait, there he goes again, grunting, and all!


Last night, Arianna and I completed at least 200 cookies. Okay, Arie just had the honors of holding the mixer, MOMMY baked 200 cookies. At least. I have 5 massive, filled to the brim, Ziploc baggies full. And they are good, wow. I also made a table cloth. Yes. And I cheated. I used that hem tape and my iron. And I'm not entirely sure what takes longer, actual sewing, or the "magic no-sew" tape! I cut up an old ivory sheet for the backing, and used my beautiful yellow and blue floral fabrics. Trimmed in stripes, and voila! Of course, it is beautiful and you can not tell that I used hem tape, and it took me a very long time, all about 4 hours because I was trying to be precise. I stood hunched over my iron in the laundry room for a long time! At least I ironed it while I was going, that has to be the most frustrating part of sewing something of that caliber-back and forth, and back and forth...

I treated my children to at least a dozen dances while listening to this wonderful new found application on Woody's Xbox called I chose a radio station entitled "Edwin McCain", and it played songs with similar sounds. Ahhhh, I was in heaven!!! Hootie and the Blowfish, Pat Monahan, mmmmm. Gorgeous slightly jazzy sounds with a lot of soul soothing vocals. I love this, and it's FREE!? Even better! I would probably pay for that particular radio station, however... just don't tell them that! haha. Got a few pictures of my kids being goofy, dancing around and playing with their balls...

And it sounds like it was a good day. I like days like that, where on paper-it looks great. It only took two of my pills to stay awake, about ten cups of coffee, me almost breaking down into tears, and almost blacking out at least twice. It is days like that that serve as a reminder that we don't always know other people's circumstances, and they may be cheerful and kind, but be in the midst of a battle.

A doctor asked my husband yesterday if I was on an antidepressant, and I loved my husband's response: "She is always in a good mood. Always. She's only ever in a bad mood because of me. She doesn't need one, she's not depressed." It blew his mind, because he and Woody had been talking about my disease and he (the doctor) is convinced I had juvenile onset MS for it to be as progressed as it is. And for me not to be on an antidepressant is not the norm. I've thought about it before, but only to manage my stress. I don't really need one, so it's not something I have pursued. If anything, I need something for anxiety to take on occasion. Not daily. And we'll keep that between us, for now; because God is bigger and I'm still saying: "we made it, and today is a new day! Thank you, Lord, for this blessing of a gorgeous day and waking up renewed!"  

Thursday, April 14, 2011

I am in love my pharmacist.

Really. What a great guy... caught that I was losing my mind because of my migraine medicine, genuine concern was laced in his words when I told him about all of the stress I'm under, and he was shocked when I declined to speak with a psychiatrist. He researched what my bruising could be from, and determined I take too much Excedrin. (6-8 pills a day... better than how much Tylenol I'd been taking!) Best of all, he was not impressed with my stubborn need to portray strength.

I just love him. Well, not romantically, but I am incredibly relieved to know that at least once a month I'll receive a check up phone call to visit with me and talk about how I'm doing. (From a MAN, mind you!) It didn't matter how I avoided different topics and points of interest, he found a way to push the buttons, and point out the obvious- all without being a jerk. I don't know what was better, that someone I didn't know actually cared about my well being and wanted me to be my best, so I can feel my best; or that it was a red blooded male that spoke this way to me.

Sad, really. Haha! I don't even remember his name, Matt or Mark or something, but I can see how women would be easily swayed by a man that showed interest. What a sweetheart! Wherever you are tonight, MattMarkEtc, I really appreciate the 32 minutes out of your day to visit with me. And yes, I suppose I will see a counselor... just to release the multitude of stress I endure and can't cope with. And so you don't have to spend most of the phone call begging me to in such a tactfully subtle fashion. Even if I didn't talk about me very much, it was incredibly appreciated that you saw through my veil and avoidance. I didn't think anyone could see through me if I put my mind to it... it's very nice to know I'm not invisible. (And that all men aren't insufferable haters of the weak!)

So, love and other drugs? Hahahaha ;)

Friday, April 8, 2011

"Have you been drinking?"

I feel like I'm not very far from being Stephen Hawking, today. It's very sad, but at the same time, extremely funny because I know the buzz won't last. Or, it's not supposed to... :/ hmmm.

And I wanted to go out tonight, have some girl time, chat maybe. I really, really, really, REALLY hate this. I suppose it could be worse, I caught the start of it yesterday and took a lot of B12 and magnesium to intercept some of it... and then I sucked up to my husband because I knew that at least some solid sleep would help me feel better. And lately, I haven't gotten any decent sleep. All because I have been so stressed. Thus, the pep talk yesterday. Which I keep giving and REgiving myself:

Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. It means moving on to the next time I'm completely bombarded with monkeys slinging poo, right? :P

MS: 1,754 Jessica: 2 (My kids!)

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Sticks and stones...

...wouldn't it be nice if we really believed this child hood quip? I know I've reached deep into my mental closets to try to find something that would make me the invulnerable woman! I also know, that this isn't possible. If anything, we as human beings that live, breathe, and think entirely too much, aren't resilient to words and actions. We're fairly porous, and absorb most anything thrown at us or done to us, and how we react to those moments (people?) tend to define how we live our every day lives. (Not to mention how we handle our relationships!)

I heard in a great sermon locally once, that forgiveness doesn't involve forgetting. Forgiveness is a healing process for YOU, and even may be for the other person involved, but you don't have to forget. I always fail to remember this, and I continually find myself disappointed by the conditions of real life relationships. Human, fallible, and conditional relationships. Why is it so hard to learn to absorb some of the damaging shrapnel that is thrown my way? Because I'm human, fallible, and come with conditions, too.

I keep waking up as this woman that assumes her disappointment in God and her relationship with Him is completely due to this failure to forgive and forget. Not just others, but herself as well. In all of this, I face these daily challenges-no, battles-that do not allow me to move past the forgiveness stage because I continually try to FORGET. I forget, and I'm disappointed when it happens again, it's brought up again, I think about it again, or I'm yet again failed or failing in someway.

Forgiveness isn't a lesson titled Memory Erasing 101, nor is it some tonic taken to put those incidences and words in some secret Pandora's box. (But wouldn't either of those be nice to have available in this life?) Instead, I'm trying to remember it's a lesson in learning from what happened. You can't change people. I can change, but I can't expect others to change as a condition of my forgiving. The same thing may happen again, and this time-you'll be prepared. I'll be prepared. Because I can change.

Why be disappointed all of the time? Why live life continuously pulling knives out of your back, and, who am I kidding, your heart? Expectations aren't always met. Reality is that we all fall short. I suppose I either learn to live with it, stop rubbing salt in the wounds, and hope that my voiced expectations may be met. At least halfway. And if they aren't, I won't be too disappointed. This is just a pit stop before my last dot on the map, anyway, and that, my friends, will be the rest that I look forward to with great expectation.

Monday, April 4, 2011

"The Rain Rain Rain Falls Down Down Down"

Or so goes my favorite children's song. $100 if you can name the reference.
Did you guess Winnie the Pooh? Good for you. If you didn't, listen to it and it will be a tune that sticks with you. Cheerfully, I might add.

This is how I felt while driving through what seemed to me to have the potential to turn into a flash flood this morning. It was as dark as night and the wind was awful, adding to the terror. I am not a good driver. Too tired, a lot of continuous prayer. I made it and the sunshine broke through... and the rest of the day, as they say, was history!